May. 17th, 2010

hereprophetslie: (In shadow)
i posted this to my dad. doesn't feel right to keep it from you. it came about cause i sent him a message saying i thought of him as a hero and he wanted to know where it came from and then i said something lame like why does it matter it's how i feel. and then i said this.

okay that was a total cop out on my part. and you didn't answer my question.

i was reading another of peter's journals because i am bored out of my mind and this is one of the early ones he wrote before he knew what demons and angels were. i thought it would be relevant to my social work practice, minus visions... he had visions and he followed them to help the people he was dreaming about without ever knowing what he was going to face, and i might have mentioned to him that i thought that was pretty heroic and then he sat down and went on an on about how the real heroes aren't necessarily the people who traipse off and go on rescue missions or whatever, but the people who will sit by your bedside for days even when you're asleep and wouldn't know. he said other things too, and because i'm not an idiot, i read between the lines (as i am sure he intended me to) and i sorta realised i'd been kind of big on the peter hero-worship lately. and i don't know...you're just getting to know him and here's me all 'he's the best guy ever lalala' and that's probably a little..bleh.

i almost died. a lot. and that's not an excuse, it's an explanation. i am afraid. i am so afraid that thinking about it right now makes he feel like i could vomit. pat ravensdale is out there and he found daria again and again and he could find her and hurt her or worse and he could find me too and that's terrifying. and so i tried so hard to get peter onside because he seemed like...the solution to everything. peter is this guy who bought a hospital just to protect people. so i thought if i could make him care about me, somehow then i'd be okay. if...that makes sense? i didn't know he was my uncle and i figured he has so much to worry about and he takes care of so many people what am i to him other than one of the many even though now i can see he's not actually like that at all, but i didn't know that. i just though...get him to like me and i'll be safe. he'll care enough to intervene if something happens. and then you said he was my uncle and i was overjoyed because then he had to keep me safe, which is so unbelievably selfish...

but fuck, dad...i don't want to die. i'm not even 25 yet. i want to graduate (late, apparently) and get a job and get married and have/raise kids, though that latter one might happen before the former... i want to get to the stage where andy and i can be friends instead of siblings who tolerate each other (though believe me if anyone hurt her i would at least attempt to rip them in two provided i could walk) and i want to patch things up with mum. i want to travel and make stupid mistakes and help people (those two didn't go together) and get a dog and a house to put all my random shit in. alastair died and he left behind a beautiful girlfriend and so many friends and it sucked. he was so smart. as you'd know, since you had him in class and he was always whining things like 'oh man i got a 95 instead of a 100' and he never had to work as hard as i do to do that. he left behind everything and i do not want to do that. and i suddenly realised it can happen. it almost did. over and over. it terrifies me. i am bloody scared shitless and i didn't know how to tell you so i hid behind your brother because it was easy.

and i'm so sorry, dad. i know i can tell you anything. i just didn't want to admit it because then it made it real.


and now peter is missing and it's all just total yuck. and i hope you don't think less of me.

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hereprophetslie: (Default)
Noah Greenway

October 2011

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