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Jul. 8th, 2010 03:03 pmI'm 22 old today, and I am spending my birthday in my Uncle's basement. To be fair to him, he bought me a cake and he keeps trying to bring me food, but I just can't.
I don't even know what to do with myself right now. All I seem to be capable of is remembering all these things Ben did for me and then...feeling bitter. And I hate that kind of attitude from anyone, so I'm wrapped up in self-loathing and being pissed off at Ben and...augh. I feel guilty for being upset.
When I was young I remember being jealous because when Serenity lost a tooth, the 'tooth fairy' brought her these little wooden toys I didn't know her mother made. Elaine was single at the time and she didn't have much money. Of course, in my youth I didn't know parents were the tooth fairy, and so I complained to my dad that the fairy brought Serenity presents and all I got was a lousy quid. So ridiculous. The next time I lost my tooth, there was a little present under my pillow. A little wooden car. My dad had bought it from Serenity's mum and put it under my pillow and I didn't find that out for years.
And then...you know...a decade later they fucked and ripped my family apart. Arghfuckit.
I remember after my attack, I almost died so many times and Ben was so worried. He never left my side. And when I was better, I told him if I had died then, at least I knew I was so lucky because I had always been so loved. I went on and on about how my father was the best father in the world because he had never made me feel like I was worthless. God...does it sound ridiculously pathetic to say I almost wish I had just so I could have died a disillusioned and happy kid, instead of...whatever this is I am now? I don't want to be dead, don't get me wrong, but right now it feels like I am dead inside anyway. And I know that won't last forever, but fuck if I can't feel anything else now.
He had been lying to me for five years straight. He willingly let me destroy my relationship with my mother, and he let me think my mother didn't love me enough to stay. He...he willingly let me feel unloved and unlovable in the case of my mother. If he had told me the truth in the beginning, I would have been upset, but I would have gotten over it. But I can't...I can't get over this. He lied to me. He lied.
And my going on and on...that was lies too. He didn't love me more than anything. He loved himself more. He loved his squeaky-clean image more. He let me wallow in self-hate for five years and he never said a word. And that hurts.
So happy birthday to me.
I don't even know what to do with myself right now. All I seem to be capable of is remembering all these things Ben did for me and then...feeling bitter. And I hate that kind of attitude from anyone, so I'm wrapped up in self-loathing and being pissed off at Ben and...augh. I feel guilty for being upset.
When I was young I remember being jealous because when Serenity lost a tooth, the 'tooth fairy' brought her these little wooden toys I didn't know her mother made. Elaine was single at the time and she didn't have much money. Of course, in my youth I didn't know parents were the tooth fairy, and so I complained to my dad that the fairy brought Serenity presents and all I got was a lousy quid. So ridiculous. The next time I lost my tooth, there was a little present under my pillow. A little wooden car. My dad had bought it from Serenity's mum and put it under my pillow and I didn't find that out for years.
And then...you know...a decade later they fucked and ripped my family apart. Arghfuckit.
I remember after my attack, I almost died so many times and Ben was so worried. He never left my side. And when I was better, I told him if I had died then, at least I knew I was so lucky because I had always been so loved. I went on and on about how my father was the best father in the world because he had never made me feel like I was worthless. God...does it sound ridiculously pathetic to say I almost wish I had just so I could have died a disillusioned and happy kid, instead of...whatever this is I am now? I don't want to be dead, don't get me wrong, but right now it feels like I am dead inside anyway. And I know that won't last forever, but fuck if I can't feel anything else now.
He had been lying to me for five years straight. He willingly let me destroy my relationship with my mother, and he let me think my mother didn't love me enough to stay. He...he willingly let me feel unloved and unlovable in the case of my mother. If he had told me the truth in the beginning, I would have been upset, but I would have gotten over it. But I can't...I can't get over this. He lied to me. He lied.
And my going on and on...that was lies too. He didn't love me more than anything. He loved himself more. He loved his squeaky-clean image more. He let me wallow in self-hate for five years and he never said a word. And that hurts.
So happy birthday to me.
